I had a rough night feeling all sorry for myself, blah blah … Nothing was wrong, nothing at all. So I made up my mind that I would hit the gym first thing and just get the run over with. I knew it would be what I needed to make me feel better. I didn’t want to do it, but knew I had to.
So at about 7:35am I pull into the parking lot of the gym and employ every possible delay tactic (Like listening to the special Friday Morning Mix song that my morning radio station does, because it will motivate me, right?). I realize I just need to GO and I eventually work my way onto the treadmill. I start off thinking headphones and Pandora are my friend and that they will help me through this process but with one quick thumbs down and then only making it 3/4 of the way through a Ke$ha song, I want to rip my ears off. Headphones are now out of my ears and dangling from my phone along side the treadmill. I make a decision to gather the headphones so I don’t trip or spend time worrying about it and then turn the phone around and accept no contacts, no notifications, no nothing. This is about me being entitled to 60 minutes of uninterrupted hell.
I do pretty well and end up 1.5 miles in and it comes to me that I just might be able to do it, I might be able to hit my 5K goal today on a random Friday. Now it is set in my mind that I will do it and there is no going back. I find the rhythm of my feet and the noises of the belt are almost meditative and I find a good groove to follow. The gym is quiet this morning and an older gentleman gets on a treadmill 3 away from me on my left. He starts to walk on it which truly does make me happy – until he starts to whistle. Now I seriously want to cause him physical harm. Somewhere in this time frame I am also pretty sure I imagined punting the Blerch across the adjacent soccer field … what is wrong with me, where are all of the endorphins that are supposed to make me happy?
I hit the 2 mile mark and start to doubt myself … Can I really do this? I start to think about the people that are really important to me and that’s what does it. Today it was all about the women in my life, and the first person to hit my brain was my grandma followed quickly by my mom, my aunt, my Lodge girls (you know who you are), my mentors and coworkers that have guided me to be the person I am. You were all there telling me that I could do it. Just keep going. And then I realized that my legs weren’t sore or tired. I did not have the side pain that I sometimes get when I can’t breathe. It was 100% mental. I CAN do this, I AM doing it.
I did it … Not in the best time or in the best form, but I did it. I am so proud of myself. I know it doesn’t seem like much and there are certainly bigger things to conquer in this world, but for someone that has been overweight, unathletic and unfit her whole life, this is huge. I am working on becoming the strongest version of me that I have ever been, and that feels amazing …